Session 182: Another Night, Another Tale (Yawn)

 

Alright, pull up a stool, grab a lukewarm ale, and let me tell you about the delightful evening I had. Just another night slinging drinks at the ol’ inn, and who should stumble in but our favourite band of slightly-less-than-merry adventurers. Fresh from… somewhere. Honestly, half the time I tune them out until they start waving coin at me.

Apparently, they'd been having a grand old squabble about their “equipment”. You know, the usual assortment of pointy things, slightly damp cloaks, and what someone eloquently described as the “putrid remains of a rat”. Surprisingly, no takers on that last one. You’d think someone would want a conversation starter like that.

The cloak situation was particularly riveting. Apparently, there was a plain old “cloak” and then a “hooded leather cloak” which prompted one of them to declare they were now “so cool”. Honestly, the bar for coolness gets lower every time these guys show up. 

Then came the pressing issue of a “throwing axe”. Apparently, you can have one, but using it is a whole different kettle of fish involving something called “proficiency” and “levelling up”. Sounds like a lot of effort for something you just… throw. One of them even had the audacity to ask the weight. The DRAMA! It’s five pounds, apparently. Page 84, if you’re keeping score.

Oh, and speaking of carrying things, one of them, a charming fellow, mentioned he had 19 scalps in his backpack. NINETEEN. And they were getting wet. Lovely image for a pre-dinner chat. I swear, sometimes I think they just say these things to see my reaction. I mostly just try to look busy wiping down the same spot on the counter.

There was also a whole kerfuffle about an “ivory box”. Turns out it was like a piggy bank for the group, filled with a delightful mix of platinum, silver, copper, and some shiny rocks they called “carnelian”. Fancy. They also debated the merits of keeping some old spell books. Apparently, they’re mostly useless unless you’re a “magic user,” which most of this lot aren’t. Something about unique handwriting, you see. Though there’s a loophole for “jesters,” maybe? The rules change more often than my socks (and that’s saying something).

Then came the treasure hunt part. Seemed like they were double-checking if they’d pilfered everything, including some “onyxes” and a “small shovel”. Thrilling stuff. Oh, and two “whetstones”. Because apparently one just isn’t enough for a band of heroes.

They even brought back the horses they’d borrowed (or possibly just acquired). Named them “Durgga Grimstride” and “Butter Hoof,” if you can believe it. Honestly, the names these adventurers come up with. They haggled over the stable fee for a good five minutes. Cheapskates.

Then came the best part: dinner. Most of them went for the “plain dinner” – barley stew, hard cheese, the usual. But one of them, a Farro-sounding fellow, went all out with a “seven course dinner”. Small pickled herring, fancy broth, a roasted… “capon”? Honestly, the descriptions went on and on. Meanwhile, the rest of them were probably eyeing his plate with envy while gnawing on their dark rye bread.

After stuffing their faces, they got all philosophical about the rise of some “temple of elemental evil”. Sounds ominous. Apparently, they’re being sent off to investigate. Good riddance, I say. More room at the bar.

Oh, and the loot! Sweet merciful Pelor, the loot. They sold a mountain of stuff – gems, armour, swords, you name it – and walked away with fifteen THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY-SIX gold pieces. You’d think they’d be buying the whole tavern a round, but no. They mostly just talked about experience points and “levelling up”. Apparently, that’s more exciting than sharing the wealth.

One of them even bought a +1 dagger off another. Thrilling. They couldn’t even agree on a name for it. I suggested “Stabby,” but no one appreciated my input.

And then there was some nonsense about one of them being a mystic and having to donate most of their newfound wealth because of some self-denial rule. Honestly, you couldn’t make this stuff up.

So, yeah, just another night with the heroes of… wherever. They’ll be back, no doubt, with more tales of giant rats (dead or alive), questionable loot, and endless debates about the proper way to swing an axe. Until then, at least it’ll be quiet enough to finally dust those top shelves. 

Session 181: Looting Lareth's lair

Right then, gather 'round, ye landlubbers and pointy-ears! It's me, uh... hic ... Gorgi Stonebeard, at yer service! Or maybe I'm retired. Can't rightly recall after all that fine dwarven ale... and some human rotgut they found. Don't tell no one.

Anyways, thought I'd share a tale or two of some adventurin' days (the adventurers who gave me this ale). Found some right proper loot lately, they did! A whole room full, it were!

• Boxes o' food, enough to feed a small army, maybe even a hungry dwarf like meself.

• Two fine warhorses, though I ain't much of a rider myself. More of a ground-pounder, ye see. They even had "proven," whatever that means. Sounds fancy.

• Gold and treasure aplenty! Off them... uh... bad lads they tangled with. And their fancy leader, Lareth. The found some shiny gems on him and his mate Marcus. Good haul, good haul!

• They even found their lost stash! Two boxes crammed full o' armor, weapons, backpacks, the lot! Hastily stuffed, mind ye, like they were expectin' company. Which they got. 

• Then there were the fancier bits in Lareth's room. A fine-lookin' necklace o' fire opals in an alabaster box, no less!. Many silver goblets and plates and utensils too fancy for a proper dwarven meal, if you ask me. And enough liquor and wine to drown a goblin (though they mostly kept the hard stuff).

They even found a filactory! Sounds important, that does. And a ruby off o' Lareth. All went into the pile... mostly. Couldn't put the horses in the pile, now could they? Or the food and drink. And somethin' called "prov'er." Turns out it's just grass. Fancy word for it, eh?.

Things got a bit hairy after all that lootin'. Heard some rattlin' o' chains comin' from the south. Gave me the shivers, it did (just hearing about it). Then there were doors with spikes in 'em! Had to pull 'em out. Took some strength, that did.

And then... oh boy... there was this singin'. Like the most beautiful woman you ever did hear. Almost made young JT run off! Had to be dragged back, the poor lad. Started scratchin' at the doors like a wild badger. They even had to tie him to a chair!. Good thing someone had rope.

Tried to sober him up with some of that human liquor. Just made him belch and spew all over the table. Disgustin'! But then Opelle, bless her pointy ears (don't tell her I said that!), she did some magic and put him right to sleep. Snoring like a grumpy cave bear, he was.

Anyways, they got all the shiny bits sorted. Gems, jewelry, magical weapons and armor... Elmo's stuff too. Seems his chain mail, shield, and battle axe were all enchanted. They even found a suit o' plate mail that glowed with magic. Can't wait to see what that's all about.

Split the coins, they did. A right proper haul, enough for a good few rounds at the tavern! Zora, bless her heart, she took charge o' carryin' most o' the fancy stuff in makeshift saddlebags made o' bedsheets. Smart lass, that one.

They even found some tapestries in Lareth's room. Not the kind you'd hang in yer grandmama's hall, mind ye. More like... erotic and dark scenes, with spider-women and such. Gave me the creeps, they did. But maybe some collector in town will pay good coin for 'em.

Got all sorts o' gear from them fallen adventurers too. Backpacks, cloaks, weapons, even a goblin skull!. Might be useful, might not. But we ain't leavin' nothin' behind if it's got a bit o' value.

So that's the tale so far. A good fight, a lot o' loot, and a companion who went a bit loopy from a pretty song. Just another day in the adventurin' life, eh? Now, if you'll excuse me, this ale ain't gonna drink itself! Burp! Cheers!

Session 180: Sunsebb 20 or Lacy Snows - Where Tactical Genius Goes to Die

<Change voice to one of acerbic wit> 

Another week, another delve into the thrilling world of Hommlet on day 20 of Lacy Snows (or whatever whimsical name the pointy-eared folk have conjured up this time). This means, if my calculations are correct, our intrepid heroes have been fumbling around for the better part of two decades in elf years.

This session kicked off with the dramatic reappearance of one JT, who apparently materialized out of thin air only to immediately return to his favorite state: horizontal and unconscious. A true paragon of heroism. The party, meanwhile, was in peak condition, described as "haggard" with clerics devoid of spells and healing potions scarcer than intelligent decisions in this group.

The ensuing debate about their dwindling resources was a masterclass in collaborative strategizing. Would they share their precious St. Cuthbert and Druid potions? The tension was palpable. One player, clearly a budding capitalist, even floated the brilliant "business idea" of buying all the potions in the future and then generously marking them up for his injured comrades. Such altruism warms the heart, doesn't it?

The pressing issue then became what to do with the aforementioned lump of unconsciousness, JT. Should they babysit him with the equally incapacitated Mark and Melissa? Carry him along like a particularly inconvenient sack of potatoes? Or perhaps wait for the elusive Crassus and his rumored Druid potion? The level of agonizing deliberation over this simple problem could rival the decision-making process of a particularly indecisive sloth. A vote was even held! Democracy in action, folks. Eventually, the brilliant solution was to just drag JT along. Problem solved! (Until combat, naturally).

Progress through the "moat house" (not "barrowmaze," much to one player's chagrin) was, shall we say, leisurely. After extensive probing of the perfectly sturdy floor, they reached a door, which JT was apparently keen to knock on. Luckily, Zorla, displaying a rare moment of foresight, suggested checking for traps. The inspection revealed absolutely nothing dangerous, yet somehow failed to inspire confidence. This pretty much sums up their investigative skills.

The door was eventually opened, revealing... an ambush! Who could have possibly foreseen that? Our heroes, displaying their usual tactical prowess, promptly tried to slam the door shut. Crossbow bolts were exchanged (mostly missing, thankfully, as their armor class is apparently a closely guarded secret), and the stage was set for another glorious display of disorganized combat.

Then came the pièce de résistance: Contristo's impromptu surrender and recruitment by the villain, all in the name of resisting the irresistible. One can only admire such dedication to… something. While Contristo was being efficiently removed from the immediate threat (and presumably contemplating his life choices), the rest of the party engaged the remaining guards with a mixture of missed attacks, wild oil-throwing, and general panic.

The oil vials, however, proved surprisingly effective, turning the tide in a way that actual combat skills apparently could not. The villain, Lareth, despite his honeyed words and claims of power, seemed remarkably susceptible to being doused in flammable liquids.

Amidst the chaos, Zorla fell unconscious, only to be revived by a timely healing potion from Azra. Teamwork! A truly rare sight. The battle raged on, featuring such tactical gems as flanking maneuvers that failed spectacularly, and attempts to backstab armored foes with daggers (spoiler alert: it doesn't go well).

In the end, through a combination of lucky rolls, persistent oil attacks, and sheer stubbornness (or perhaps the villain's utter incompetence), Lareth was finally dispatched. The session concluded with the promise of loot and a move to the dreaded "barrowmaze" next time. One shudders to think what strategic brilliance awaits them there.

One can only hope that in the intervening week, these heroes will have a long, hard think about the fundamental principles of adventuring. Or, more likely, they'll just show up next session and continue to provide us with this weekly dose of delightfully inept entertainment. Until then, may your rolls be ever in your favor (unlike theirs).

Session 179: A costly win

Elf-log day 20 of Lacysnows, but the humans calls it Sunsebb. We were in the dungeon of the moat house, still reeling from our recent battle with a group of zombies. It was a strange place, where things seemed to blink in and out of existence, like our companion, JT, who vanished into thin air.

We took some time to regroup and plan our next move. As the party's designated spellcaster, I had to consider how much magic we had left. While I had a sleep spell and burning hands, Azra had used all her spells for the day.

We began discussing our options and marching order. The party was concerned about JT, but he is likely fine, just in stasis somewhere. The party was trying to figure out who should be in the front, middle, and back. It was decided that Zorla and Fietje would take the front, Jensen and Mark the second rank, with me and Crassus in the third, and Azra and Opellle in the fourth rank with Farro and Contristo in the rear.

We debated whether to head back to town or explore deeper into the moat house. I was for pushing forward and clearing the rest of the moat house. We wanted to be sure we weren't leaving anyone behind who could cause trouble later. The others mostly agreed, so we moved to discuss how to proceed. We decided to explore the area south of our current location, then head west where we had encountered some gnolls and then finally check the area where Grug had died.

As we discussed our strategy, I noticed that both Zorla and Fietje had taken some damage. Zorla was able to get a potion from Opelle and heal. Zorla also got a potion from Opelle and felt the healing power coursing through her body. 

We got our marching order straightened out, and I told everyone to let me know their thoughts. We discussed that we had previously explored to the east and that we had come down some stairs to get where we were. I thought we should keep going deeper into the moat house, but we knew we had to assess the damage and make sure that everyone was ready for another fight.

We went over what we saw in the previous exploration. We remembered the room where we had all been trapped and where some of us were injured. I thought the middle door was probably the one that had been trapped, but someone else thought the southeast door was the trap. We were sure that there were more enemies down here as we had not yet found the necromancer we were seeking. I hoped that we would find Elmo's stuff.

After a short discussion, Farro went ahead to scout. Afterwards, we moved down and entered a room where we had previously fought. There was still blood everywhere. Zorla used a 10-foot pole to explore the room. We all had trouble seeing the doors due to the dimness, despite our torches. After a bit, we were able to figure them out. After that Zorla moved and we looked around a bit. We noticed some beds in one area, but it was otherwise empty and quiet.

I thought we needed to investigate an area of the floor that looked like it had been repaired. We called for Crassus to come and investigate the floor and the door because he was our party's thief. He was confident the door wasn't trapped, but when he investigated the floor, it was just dirt and not treasure.

After a thorough search, we moved to the next room to the west, where we found a lot of waste. We decided it was time to push on and see what was behind the other doors. Zorla opened one door which revealed a small chamber. Then Adam opened another door which turned out to be where Grug died, and we saw dried blood on the floor.

We went through another long passageway and reached a fork in the road with a passage to the west, stairs going down straight ahead, and a passage to the southeast. The group voted to take the stairs, but I was concerned about not clearing the rest of the area before moving on. We decided to go west first, and then we started smelling rot. We heard an unnatural noise, and then suddenly we saw ghouls.

We quickly retreated, with Contristo dropping caltrops behind us. The caltrops hit some of the ghouls, but didn't stop them. Zorla fired a crossbow but missed. The ghouls engaged our party, and one of the ghouls attacked Zorla but missed. Opelle threw oil and burned one ghoul. A ghoul attacked Fietje, and he was paralyzed. Another ghoul attacked Zorla and she was also paralyzed. Azra tried to drag Zorla back but it was too risky. Another ghoul attacked Mark, and he also went down.

I pulled out my holy symbol and tried to turn the undead, but failed. Farro moved to attack the ghoul, and Jensen also joined in. Jensen attacked but missed. We continued our desperate combat. Opelle threw more oil and took out another ghoul. I tried to use my bow to hit another ghoul, but missed. Crassus attacked but missed. Another ghoul attacked and Mark was reduced to zero. Crassus was able to attack it and kill it. The last ghoul attacked Opelle and she was also knocked out.

Contristo threw daggers but missed. The ghoul turned to attack Jensen. Azra bandaged Opelle, and I tried again to use my bow but failed. Contristo moved again to attack the last ghoul, but also missed. Jensen attacked, but also missed. I tried an arrow one more time. And then Farro moved and failed to hit. Finally, Crassus was able to flank and kill the last ghoul.

I was relieved that the ghouls were all dead. Mark was paralyzed for five minutes, Fietje for ten, and Zorla for five. Mark and Opelle had taken severe damage and Mark will need several weeks of bed rest to recover. Opelle, fortunately, was able to recover with little lasting effect. We discussed what to do with Mark, and Jensen volunteered to take him to Melissa, which would take about 30 minutes.

I began to think about healing. We were low on potions and I wondered about Opelle's healing potions. We rifled through her bag and found her other potion. Zorla gave a potion to Mark. I gave my potion to Zorla. We then remembered that we had received some potions from the druids earlier. We did an inventory and found some more potions. We all took stock of how many potions we had left and decided we had two St. Cuthbert potions and one druid potion left.

We were all very tired and frustrated at that point, but we were alive, and we could not let our focus stray from the task at hand. It was then that we heard a mysterious rattling to the south. We decided to keep the doors closed. Jensen returned with word from Melissa and Mark that they strongly felt the force was to the east and we should not waste resources exploring to the west. I was ready for the fight to end, and I knew we all needed to regroup and gather our strength. I felt that despite being exhausted we were still in this fight and we would find a way to make things right.

Session 178: A grim observer Day 20 Sunsebb

From the shadows, I watch as the group of adventurers, so full of self-importance, bumbles into the Moat House. Their leader wastes time with a pointless marching order and roll call. They are so predictable, so easily manipulated with their petty squabbles over character quirks.

I revel in their small victories and setbacks. They defeated a group of bugbears and gnolls. A small win, but their arrogance grows. I delight in their bickering about experience points and weapon specializations. They are so focused on the minutia, they are blind to the grand design I have in store.

They fuss over a wounded companion named Melissa, who is out of commission for three weeks. The group debates whether to abandon or save her. Eventually, their 'moral' compass guides them to heal her. It is a temporary setback, but they'll be back to their selfish ways in no time. They leave her in a side room, as if that will keep her safe.

Their greed is a useful tool. They return to the main room to loot the bodies of their defeated foes. They are like vultures, squabbling over armor and weapons, and they carry it off into a side room. Such short-sighted creatures. They squabble about the best path to take through the Moat House. The idea of a hidden side door appeals to them. They must think they are clever.

They bicker and delay while deciding if they should go the way of the undead or the hidden side door. While they do so, they search the rooms, concerned about flanking attacks. One of them, JT, the fool, must explore a room called the "spider room," though it is a pointless side quest for such a predictable group. They are easily distracted.

My attention drifts to the map of the Moat House. I see the path they have chosen, and I chuckle. They proceed to the ogre room. There, they listen at a door and then step inside. It is dark and empty. They stumble into a room with a dead bird. How pathetic. Then, they go into a stinky room that makes one of them sick. The others laugh. Such simple pleasures for these adventurers.

The fools finally descend deeper into the dungeon, completely unaware of the traps I have laid. They move into a hallway and then into a room with a camouflaged cage in the ceiling. The group moves under the cage, as if there is no risk, and then moves out to examine another side room. How easy they are to manipulate. They are so predictable, and then they keep going. The cage is set up to drop on them if they are not careful. They are so caught up in themselves that they fail to see what I want them to see.

They move into a big room with three doors and a passageway. They discuss which way they should go. They look for secret doors and traps. It is such a waste of time. One of them, Crassus, has a modicum of skill at disarming traps. Still, it doesn't matter. He is still a tool to be used.

The group goes on a patrol around the room and is satisfied that there is nothing of interest. They talk about what type of floor is in the room. How idiotic. They light new torches and move towards the doors. One of them, JT, is clearly out of control. They open a door to an empty room. They tap the floor with a pole, as if that will save them. Another door, and they hear a clanking sound. It is the sound of a trap being reset. They never learn.

They are so focused on the small things, they do not see the larger threat. They open a third door and discover a secret passage. As they move to reset the cage trap in the hallway, they become divided. Some move back down the hallway and some go to look down the passageway. They are becoming exactly as I want them to be, distracted and divided.

Finally, they face the zombies. Their initial attack is strong, but they are divided. And they are stupid. As they throw oil on the zombies and attack them, I am pleased. This will be their downfall. One of them, JT, falls in the first round. They bicker about tactics. They have no idea what they are up against, or what they will soon face.

Their "heroics" are simply pathetic. They manage to defeat a few zombies, but at what cost?. It is a small victory in a larger war, and they do not yet realize they have already lost. Their game is almost up, and I look forward to the next act, because they will be coming for me, whether they know it or not.

Session 177 Moat House Mayhem - Day 20 of Sunsebb

Grrrr! We were ready, waiting at the top of the stairs in the stinking moat house. The call came, intruders! We bared our teeth and readied our bows! We saw the pathetic creatures come into the open, crossing into our territory. They were slow and clumsy, easy targets. Hah! We let loose our arrows! A female in shiny metal screamed as two arrows found her flesh. They tried to run like cowards, but they were clumsy, blocking each other!

They scattered like rats onto the ice. Some slipped and fell, hah! But they still reached the wall of the moat house. We shot at them again, sending two arrows into a clumsy fighter who had slipped in the snow. He cried out, but he was still standing. They grabbed a rope and pulled him like a wet dog.

They dared to enter our room, and we saw them better. They were weak, but they were many. We moved to engage them. They used some trickery, some magic, and they could see in the dark. We sent more arrows, one hitting another of them. Grrr! They advanced down the hall. Then they threw oil. One of my bugbear kin was set ablaze, howling in pain. Hah! We met them in melee. They were like a pack of wild dogs, hitting us with their metal. More oil came, but this time it missed.

They attacked, hitting us hard. They used swords and axes and a strange morning star. They injured my group with each swing. Two of the intruders made it to the front, leading their pack. They took down my brothers one by one. Another of my kin was set on fire and was gone. A small one snuck next to me. He thrusted his sword, and I fell.

The battle ended quickly. They were too strong, there were too many of them. We failed to protect the moat house, but we fought like we always do. We will be ready next time, grrrr!

Session 176: A mysterious journal entry

Journal entry for day 20 of Ready'reat through day 20 Sunsebb

Another day, another debacle. We're holed up in this glorified inn, the "Welcome Wench," while we supposedly rest. Rest? More like stew in our own incompetence. We managed to sell some of the gear we plundered--mostly damaged junk--for a pittance. The local merchants are nothing but a bunch of scumbags, offering a miserly four and a quarter gold pieces for scale armor that Zorla has been patching and cleaning regularly. Eventually they coughed up eight gold, only after she called them out for their thievery.

Then there's the matter of food. This place has the audacity to charge 12 gold and six silver for a month of their "plain meals," which I imagine taste like boiled gruel. At least we managed to get that settled; I’m sure the food will be as bland as ever.

The others are obsessed with magic and spells, especially one named Opelle. Apparently she has a spell that requires powdered pineal glands of all things. She's been harvesting them from various humanoids. She and others are going on about "clairvoyance" and "clairaudience," as if those will solve all our problems. Turns out the “clairaudience” spell requires a silver horn worth 100 gold pieces that is destroyed when used, and I’m sure that’s a fine use of coin. The other spell, “clairvoyance,” seems less ridiculous as it only needs the gland dust that Opelle is so intent on collecting.

We also had to go and see some of the local leadership at the tower - Burne and Rufus. They sent us to clear out some “moathouse,” which turned into a bloodbath. We fought gnolls, bugbears, and bandits – the usual suspects. They even offered a bounty for the leader’s tunic (50 gold pieces) and soldier’s tunics (10 gold pieces). I guess that’s better than nothing, but hardly enough for the risks involved. I swear, if I’m not going to be paid what I’m worth, I’ll just pickpocket it back from these fools.

These local rubes are obsessed with scalps as evidence. As if a uniform isn't enough; Apparently we are supposed to bring both. Honestly, the things we have to do to get paid around here…

The group was also very concerned about healing. Burne said there aren't any druids or clerics available for adventuring. But at least the local druids gave us each two vials of some herbal concoction. And then, we had to go to the temple because apparently the clerics might have some healing potions because we complained enough. The temple wanted donations before they'd help us. So, more of our hard-earned coin went into the offering plate. We managed to buy some healing potions for an exorbitant 35 gold pieces each! Who even knew they cost that much? Each of us got one potion which, I’m sure will vanish in the next battle.

I was even talked into going to the temple by Morwenna, and I suspect it wasn’t for my conversation or charm. But, I have to admit, it was nice to get another potion.

The party seems very excited to be heading back to the Moathouse. Maybe we'll get some decent treasure this time, but knowing our luck, we'll probably end up fighting more monsters and wasting more money on bandages and overpriced oil. This little town is bleeding us dry. There’s also talk of leveling up which I’m told costs a thousand gold pieces. I don’t even have half that much and there’s no way I’m working with the seamstress for three silver a day.

I'm starting to think I should just take matters into my own hands. Perhaps I’ll start a “side hustle” in town.

Anonymous