<Change voice to one of acerbic wit>
Another week, another delve into the thrilling world of Hommlet on day 20 of Lacy Snows (or whatever whimsical name the pointy-eared folk have conjured up this time). This means, if my calculations are correct, our intrepid heroes have been fumbling around for the better part of two decades in elf years.
This session kicked off with the dramatic reappearance of one JT, who apparently materialized out of thin air only to immediately return to his favorite state: horizontal and unconscious. A true paragon of heroism. The party, meanwhile, was in peak condition, described as "haggard" with clerics devoid of spells and healing potions scarcer than intelligent decisions in this group.
The ensuing debate about their dwindling resources was a masterclass in collaborative strategizing. Would they share their precious St. Cuthbert and Druid potions? The tension was palpable. One player, clearly a budding capitalist, even floated the brilliant "business idea" of buying all the potions in the future and then generously marking them up for his injured comrades. Such altruism warms the heart, doesn't it?
The pressing issue then became what to do with the aforementioned lump of unconsciousness, JT. Should they babysit him with the equally incapacitated Mark and Melissa? Carry him along like a particularly inconvenient sack of potatoes? Or perhaps wait for the elusive Crassus and his rumored Druid potion? The level of agonizing deliberation over this simple problem could rival the decision-making process of a particularly indecisive sloth. A vote was even held! Democracy in action, folks. Eventually, the brilliant solution was to just drag JT along. Problem solved! (Until combat, naturally).
Progress through the "moat house" (not "barrowmaze," much to one player's chagrin) was, shall we say, leisurely. After extensive probing of the perfectly sturdy floor, they reached a door, which JT was apparently keen to knock on. Luckily, Zorla, displaying a rare moment of foresight, suggested checking for traps. The inspection revealed absolutely nothing dangerous, yet somehow failed to inspire confidence. This pretty much sums up their investigative skills.
The door was eventually opened, revealing... an ambush! Who could have possibly foreseen that? Our heroes, displaying their usual tactical prowess, promptly tried to slam the door shut. Crossbow bolts were exchanged (mostly missing, thankfully, as their armor class is apparently a closely guarded secret), and the stage was set for another glorious display of disorganized combat.
Then came the pièce de résistance: Contristo's impromptu surrender and recruitment by the villain, all in the name of resisting the irresistible. One can only admire such dedication to… something. While Contristo was being efficiently removed from the immediate threat (and presumably contemplating his life choices), the rest of the party engaged the remaining guards with a mixture of missed attacks, wild oil-throwing, and general panic.
The oil vials, however, proved surprisingly effective, turning the tide in a way that actual combat skills apparently could not. The villain, Lareth, despite his honeyed words and claims of power, seemed remarkably susceptible to being doused in flammable liquids.
Amidst the chaos, Zorla fell unconscious, only to be revived by a timely healing potion from Azra. Teamwork! A truly rare sight. The battle raged on, featuring such tactical gems as flanking maneuvers that failed spectacularly, and attempts to backstab armored foes with daggers (spoiler alert: it doesn't go well).
In the end, through a combination of lucky rolls, persistent oil attacks, and sheer stubbornness (or perhaps the villain's utter incompetence), Lareth was finally dispatched. The session concluded with the promise of loot and a move to the dreaded "barrowmaze" next time. One shudders to think what strategic brilliance awaits them there.
One can only hope that in the intervening week, these heroes will have a long, hard think about the fundamental principles of adventuring. Or, more likely, they'll just show up next session and continue to provide us with this weekly dose of delightfully inept entertainment. Until then, may your rolls be ever in your favor (unlike theirs).
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